4-30-2007 - In Remembrance

4-18-07 - 1:43p continuation from yesterdays...

No picture today... going to see how much I can get done this time. before things go haywire again. (See below **) .... Anyway, I just want make it known that this 10 year memory gap is no longer a complete gap. As I am get little memories back, it's like a little pin holes of information. & It's never a complete memory. & It's not all the time.

& Other times, like I said it's like I'm doing something that just feel instinctively right.

Ok, now I feel like I'm repeating my self from yesterday. So, let me at least tell you this. My memory gap is from 10-16-96 thru 10-16-2006.

On that morning, 10-16-06, when I came to at the bottom of steps that I had no clue where I was. When in reality I was in my own home. What freaked me out was there were 2 dogs I didn't recognize. My 1st thought was I had been drugged & someone took me to their house... but after reaching my mom (via speed dial on a cell phone that at the time I didn't know was mine)... I found out that the house was in deed my house & those are my 2 dogs. Needless to say I was spazing out because I didn't remember any of it. & then I mentioned to my mom, that my (now) hubby is going to be upset.... we're supposed to be getting married in a few weeks. (You see my mind was still focus'd on 10-16-1996)

That's when my mom said I needed to call 911 something was wrong. I told her I didn't want to get off the phone with her because I was scared. Well, some how my sister call 911 & the ER techs arrived as I was talking to her & then she talked to the ER people & then they came in evaluated me & ended up taking me to the hospital.

Just so you know, I'm just fine. The hospital ran all kinds of tests... EKG, EEG, Cat Scan & MRI's. & as from we could get out of the doctors. I was physically ok. They had a psychiatrist come in my room & give me some extensive memory tests. He said I was fine & to follow up with my current psychiatrist... which I didn't know I had, but I guess I did due to the depression I was in. (ME? Depression??? Go figure! NO, that's not me?) Well, to find out I had been under a lot of stress at work & I was out of work last summer for deep dression. (& I just confirmed it by reading my previous blogs.)

Anyway, these past 6 months I've been trying to get myself in snyc with everyone else. When it became 2007, I said "Ok, I concede it's 2007... I saw the ball drop (on tv) in Time's Square. So, if you were to ask me the date today, I can give it to you correctly.

Though if you try to ask me somehting during the 10 year block, I may not remember it.

Here are some other things I missed... My wedding. Yep, we've actually been married 10 years this past 11-8. However, either on or near our anniversary I remembered a detail only hubby & I know... & it was only a small FUNNY detail. Not the complete honeymoon... meaning I don't remember the race we went to. & etc. SO, that's what I mean I have only "pin holes" of information of my memory.

OH YEAH before things started going goofy on me yesterday (see below **) I was telling you about the things that was "blowing my mind". Won't get into 9-11 & Princess Di again... I want to tell you how strange it was to see my son...

He's now 17 & taller than me!!! I knew that would happen eventually because when he was 2 years old he was 3 feet tall & don't know if it's myth or not, but I said he'd be 6 feet tall when he's all done growing up. HE'S CLOSE!!! Anyway, I had to prepare myself that he was now 10 years older (7 to 17) .... but just wasn't expecting the growth spurt!

Then how about this one... When I was in the hospital hubby's brother & sister-in-law came to visit... I was shocked because in my mind she had just had their 1st baby 7 months earlier & here Shannon comes in 8 months pregnant, with their 4th child! So, that blew me away. My exact words to them were: To Shannon - "You're BIG" & to Adam - "You're BALD!" well, I mean to say to Shannon, you can't be that much preganant, Morgan's only 7 months old. Well, in fact she's 9 & 1/2 years old. They showed my her picture & then showed me pictures of the twin boys they have, Ian & Evan. They're now 8 years old (I think).

So, with all that said, needless to say, I don't have a job right now. Because the job I had, I don't remember. However, they (my employer) are trying to work with me by getting me some type of Long Term Disability (LTD)... 'til I remember I they finally decide they want to retrain me. Which from our understanding they don't want to do that. They'd rather pay for LTD. However, to get that I also had to apply for disability with Social Security. Now that's in the works too. Once that's all settled I should start be bringing in some $$$ to the household. Only problem is It's been since 1st of the year I have had any type of contribution. I guess this process takes a good 6 months or so.

On May 8th, I have an appointment with an independendt psychiatrist... so maybe we're finally back on track. I'll have to keep you all posted here about that.

You know, I mentioned somethings have just come instinctively to me... this is one of them... use the computer & internet. After watching hubby a few times I started do it a little with him in the room & now I feel it's just "2nd nature".... Like riding my Harley!! LOL...(Dad, don't worry, I'm being very careful with it!!! No going it a lone for a while!) That surprised me the most... Because I had never been on motorcycle by myself until after hubby & I were married. Hubby said I took "classes" to learn. So, I guess it just stuck with me. Because the last time it was real nice & warm (few weeks ago) I washed up my bike & I started it & took it just down the road & right back. (Since I was by myself, that's all the farther I wanted to go.) Then when hubby came home from work we took the bikes out & went to Mike's Pizza for supper & when we got back I said... I didn't know riding my own would feel SO GOOD!!! & I felt as comfortable on it... comfortable as to know what I was doing that is!

Also, typing emails & doing this blog thing, I see I am doing stuff 2nd nature like these LOL & :) and using ... when I am pausing my thoughts. It's like that kind of stuff never went away... sort of.

So, with that said if I had met you sometime during 10-16-1996 thru 10-15-2006, just beware I may know you, but probably won't remember you. (Like my one friend Camilla from my work... she's been great thru all this! She & I have been texting & talking to each other via our cell phones & emails. But we have yet to meet since I was in the hospital. Thankfully I know what she looks like, because, she did have a 360 site like this & she had her picture on it. But she recently deleted it. (bummed, I liked seeing pictures of her & her family.)

She said she just doesn't have time to keep it up. Well, that leads me to an idea.... I think I'm going to create a poll in my next blog... we'll see!!! Keep a look out.

Ok, I have rambled on long enough so, I'll finish now... with this...

If you know me or not, please feel free to reply to my ramblings. I am not sure exactly how you can do it... but somewhere on the page there is a place. Or at least eamil me & let me know what you think. OR if you just want to talk!!! :) :) Email: aiz320@yahoo.com

I do NOT want any jokes or fwd emails or spams. If I get one from someone I don't know & it looks like a spam or anything like that I will automatically block you. However, if you're emailing to comment on my blog & / or site. Then I will reply! :) Also, please keep it CLEAN!!! (not that I expect anyone other than my friends & family to reply. LOL)

Anyway I just wanted to let you all know what happened & why I haven't been posting. For 1, I just wasn't sure what I wanted to tell. 2. I had been having a hard time with the depression still. They're just so much I need to do & I haven't been able to just get up & do it. So, needless to say, I'm looking forward to what this dr might say. (Family says I just need to get up & get moving... to a point I agree... but I think alot of it's overwhelming me. We'll see!)

(P.S. Here's a funny note, when my minister was visiting me in the hosipital he asked me "who's the president" I said "Bill Clinton" he said "no, George Bush". I said "again"? "No his son George W. Bush". Then my husband said "No, she was close, it's Hillary Clinton." Of course TJ (our minister) laughed & said that was mean! Mean, but if she gets her way, it will be true soon. I HOPE NOT!!!!!!!!!)

** (It's a weird story what happened yesterday & I'm still not quite sure as to what happened. I don't want speculate yet. Until I know for certain. Once I do, I'll post a blog just for that! Make sense? It will if it's what I think it is. But look for that another day!)

4-17-07 - 3:29 pm (I know, Dad, FINALLY!) "warning" - This will be LONG!!

Well... I've been trying to figure out how to put in my blog about all that's happened to me. For those who know me, knows what happened. For those (if any) who just read my blog... I "lost" 10 years of my memory. This happened on 10-16-06. That's the short story.

The long story is: we (my husband & I) think I passed out. The psychiatrist, believes it was due to combination of stress at work & my depression.

So, needless to say, I have been playing "catch up" on 10 years worth of memories for the last 6 months.

I have found somethings are coming back to me like 2nd natures. For example: Riding my Harley... ok, sort of. I don't like & don't want to go anywhere on it without hubby. So far that is.

Another thing is doing things on the computer. Like surfing the internet & emailing. Granted I had to watch hubby a few times. Now I just am "instinctively" doing things.

I'll tell you learning about 9-11 was hard, but the thing that really blew my mind was Princess Diana's death! (Not to mention all the relatives that have died in the last 10 years, too!) I find my self searching for tv programs to give me more information about 9-11 & Princess Di... & I tell you, I have some of my own theories now... more about Princess Di than 9-11. For that, I've been relying on hubby's opinions. Like I do with most of my political views! (Hmm... may I said too much.. LOL)

See I remember stuff like LOL, laugh out loud! It's amazing... the mind works in strange ways. I read in an article my dad emailed me yesterday... In researching fugue states, Ms. Thuna learned something reassuring: "You never lose your memory. It's always there. It just falls out of the file cabinet." Interesting, huh? (Uh, Dad, don't ask me anymore about this article yet... I just "skimmed" it.)

OH, & let's not forget... MY SON! MY GOSH, HE'S 17 now!!! & HE'S TALLER THAN ME!!! (Dad, he may be taller than you too!!)

uh this has to stop I am having a problem right now.... not sure what. I'll update when I can! Nothing serious! I'll update you when I can get back on.

(Is there anyone out there who does not know me, but yet reads my blog?? If so, please make your self known by replying.)