Time for another trip on The Rambling Train...As most of you know by now, my son Mike, has his own little apartment. (Oh, before I forget... he's going to be 19 THIS FRIDAY!!!)
It just so happens this little place he has is owned by my sister Gina... It's just a one room apartment... an efficiency. His rent is paid with the Social Security that he receives... My mom, actually takes care of that for him. He has a food card so that he can have groceries.
However... he also had been going to the farm during the week to "catch the bus" to get to school. (He's elected to go back to 11th grade so he can attend the "Tech" school to get a High School diploma from them in the course of Welding... I'll get back to this in a moment.)
Anyway, last week he had not gone to school 3 of the 4 days (don't forget, Monday last week was Labor Day, no school), only because he would not get up. (Being 18, it's been decided it's his choice to get up or not, she will not push him.) So... my mom said "That's it"... you're not coming back to the farm for at least a week. It's not the only reason... The other is, she couldn't "keep up" with him. Meaning he would make a total mess of her house. And to get him to clean up his mess is like pulling teeth... without Novocaine!!
Soooo... he calls me Saturday & wants me to take him to get food for his apartment. No big deal, right... well it wasn't too much until we were on our way back to his place when he realizes he forgot his pillows at the farm. I call Mom & nope, she isn't going to bring them to him. (I didn't think so!) I told him, I'd be over there the next day & I'd pick them up for him.
Well, when we got to his place I helped him upstairs with the bags & I had told him we were going to clean up the trash he has strewn all over. I did warn him though, if I got grossed out, I wasn't staying... Yep... I got grossed out... (It doesn't take much.)... So, I told him he is to pick up the trash & get it ready & I'd bring it back to my place for trash night on Monday. (That's TODAY!)
So... here's where the "fight" part comes into play... I did get his pillows from the farm Sunday. I had warned him, that if he did not have 2 bags of trash (HIS trash) ready for me to pick up, that I was not going to stop with his pillows. (I'm keeping them for ransom... payment 2 bags of trash... uh... sounds like I'm getting the raw end of the deal!)
I called yesterday around 1:00p.m. & he was still sleeping. Asked if he got any trashed picked up & he said he had gone to bed shortly after I called him the night before. (Which was about 6:00p.m. Saturday... I thought it was 10... but just looked NO... it was 6:00!! GEESH!) Anyway... at 1:00 I told him that I'd call back in a few hours to see if he was ready for me to come pick up some trash.
(Now, please... it would be something if the garbage was already in bags... but nope... it's all over the apartment floor... I am serious! He's lucky he has no critters running around. (at least I hadn't seen any signs... YET!) He's lucky all I have seen is them little pesky fruit flies.)
(Oh... yeah... I'm posting this here instead of on my private blog (R.E.D.) because I'd like some feedback from others.)
Back to the "pillow fight" though... I called him again close to 6:00pm on Sunday night (24 hours after he supposedly went to sleep on Saturday night... uh, I really find this easy to believe! LOL) & he said he was still sleeping. Ok... that's 24 hours he had been sleeping! ... I said, "Ok, I'm keeping the pillows." He whimpered a tiny bit & said. "Oh, ok." ... I told him I was serious... & I reminded him that he was to call Aunt Gina to let her know when he was ready to be picked up for school the next day.
(Since Mom kicked him off the farm, so to speak, someone needs to take him to school... because he's not in the area where the bus would get him.)
I got a call from Gina a little while ago asking me if I can take him to school tomorrow. (She'd pay for the gas.) He did make it today. (Whew!) Oh... she knows about the trash deal... though she has yet to see the place... I really think she'd be horrified... especially being the landlord... AND because there are 2 other floors (as apartments) to the house!!
So, with that settled, we had to get a hold of Mike to let him know what was going on. The stinker still had his phone off from being at school.
Finally I was able to reach him... but guess what... that's right, no trash ready yet! I told him then I will be keeping his pillows for at least another week. Unless he gives 2 bags of trash to me tomorrow... "No, I'm going to bed now."
I did tell him, he has the opportunity to get them back IF he gives trash to Aunt Gina this week. (She can take it to the dumpster at the farm. I do not want his trash sitting in my garage for a week! As I'm sure my hubby wouldn't either!)
So, he has been told and told and told and asked and asked to clean up his place... and I've offered to help several times. But nope, he still has a complete & total disaster. Now, mind you... he will be 19... yes, he's a teenage boy... & yes, he's on his own & of age... however... his "mind" is that of a 9 year old. (Or younger at times!) We suspect he has a form of Autism... so we HAVE to do things like hold his pillows for bags of trash ransom! It's the only way he is going to learn!
Now that you know the "whole story" (sort of) do you think I am right for holding his pillows "ransom"?
Or should I just cave in & let him figure it out on his own? 
Please also keep in mind, when I was his age, I became pregnant with him. (Well, actually, it was when I was 3 months from my 20th birthday!)... I think you get the point!
I know, I my apartment was unkempt when I was his age... but I KNEW BETTER not to throw food on the floor & leave it there for MONTHS! Actually... the only problem I had was with just paper trash & clothes all over. And I didn't wash dishes often.
I do still have trouble putting things away... however... there is no FOOD on the floors. (I hate pesky critters... unless they my 2 doggies! LOL)
Ok, I guess I best pull this train into the station... I will need to be able to hear the phone ring tomorrow at 7:15 a.m!
Oh... wait... that's the deal we've made with Mike... HE is to call to let us know he's ready. We are not to call him! That's just another lesson of responsibility he's being taught. If he really wants to get his diploma, he has to make arrangements. Since he's not allowed back on the farm... he has to make the call & so on.
Speaking of... this Tech School he's going to will NOT put up with him not showing up. This is a school that is trying to prep you for a job. They will only allow him to miss 10 days... & we believe it's for the ENTIRE school year... Well, he's already missed 4 already! (3 last week... & 1 the 1st week of school.) All because he didn't want to get up & go.
He says he really likes the classes & all... & he's excited about it... but he's not showing it in his actions! I do hope he makes it... however, I really think we should be looking at the alternative. Getting him on permanent disability... and finding him a place that can help him... an "assisted living" type of place.
Is there such a place like that for kids his age? He's still a kid to me!! As I'm sure I'm still a kid to my dad... & I'll be 40 (eeks!) in March!!!
Ok... someone please reach up & pull that emergency brake! This train is speeding out of control!
For any new readers... Now you know why this is called.... THE RAMBLING TRAIN!!!
Wow... Even I have to say this is a LOOOOOONNNG story!!! :o)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like he really needs assisted living arrangements. Check into it, I personally would be afraid for him to live alone, for many reasons. If he can't remember to get up in the morning, or pick up his trash, what if he left a stove on, or bathtub running. Would you let a 9 year old live alone? All the things that would run through the mind of a 9 year old is probably happening to him.
ReplyDeleteyeah get him officially dianosed and get himin assisted living. Before you regret it.
ReplyDeleteSounds like he needs sum help. At this time he cant handle it & its ok! I think assisted living will help him form those "normal" taking care of himself things. My prayers for you all.. I know its tough sumtimes but I bet that he is quite a angel in his spirit!
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with everyone... I don't think a 9 year old is capable of living alone. Legally, as parents, we're not allowed to leave 9 year olds home alone, are we? I fear he'll burn the place down!
ReplyDeleteAssisted living sounds like a good thing for him to be in.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, does he have a computer? Maybe Flylady could help him get a bit organized by telling him when chores should be done, but he would have to be willing to listen.
I don't think it is harsh to withhold the pillows until you see some results. Remember, this is also for the sake of his health to get the trash off of his floors.
i agree with everyone else...check into assisted living!
ReplyDeletebut until then, i would keep the pillows until he picks up the apartment! if i lived closer, i would go over there and help him...not much grosses me out, so that wouldn't be a problem!!
Just so you all know... He does not have an OVEN / STOVE at the apartment... In that fear he would burn the place down!!
ReplyDelete(See, he's done that before... left something on a stove & caught the kitchen on fire... & it so happened to be when he was living with Gina, when Gina & Aloys were still in THIS house! (But on the bottom floor.) It was AFTER he had gotten out of Juvenile Hall... & was another that my mom just could not handle him anymore.
When Gina & Aloys moved to the farm to take care of Grandma... Mike was already back at the farm with Mom. So... see, we have been trying like crazy to try everything.
He is now of age that he won't go to JH... he will go to jail... HOWEVER... thankfully this is ONE THING, he (I think) has sunk in. He knows now certain limits.
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As for a computer... nope, we will not give him a computer to access the internet... even though he told me Saturday he's not interested in that kind of stuff anymore... My fear is, he'd only use it for going to very nasty sites.
He does however have a cell phone...
And he does have his X-box...
And he does have a tv... only able to play DVD's.
Between his X-box & the DVD's... he's pretty content... so much so, he will spend DAYS... LITERALLY DAYS on end playing or watching... with NO sleep. He's told me a few weeks ago he was up 3 days straight & this was not the first time this summer! (Readers of the R.E.D. know this.)
So, I kept telling him, he needs to get on a better schedule if he truly was going to go to school this year.
Well, today is the 5th day he will have missed. (He didn't call me this morning!) And it's all because he's just "too tired" to get up.
Ok, so that's where we are at now.
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Glad to hear that I'm not wrong with the "Pillow Fight". I'll keep you all updated! :)
I think he needs to have a battery of psychological tests to determine if he is indeed autistic, bipolar, ADHD, depressed or some combination. He should be in weekly therapy and monitored for illegal drug usage and perhaps medicated with legal drugs. The pillow fight idea was a good idea but it seems you are pushing sand against the sea. Assisted living may be the way to go to. It seems like he has an inability to thrive on his own. He is 19. I have a 19 year old too. She has her problems but is living on her own and gainfully employed.
ReplyDeleteI was going to say the same thing Barb said about the psychological testing. It does seem like he's not acting his age and getting responsible now that he's on his own. I think you're doing the right thing and being creative by holding his pillows "hostage". I don't think he's as interested in the Tech school as he says he is. If he was, I would think he'd get himself out of bed and be ready in time to get there.
ReplyDeleteWell, we know there is no problem with this.... Can't even get him to take his normal medication anymore. (Except his Seraquil (sp?) which helps him sleep... just like my Ambien CR... but his is supposed to have a more of an effect on other things too.)
ReplyDeleteHe has been through batteries of tests... He has been labeled ADHD & Bipolar... he just has not been diagnosed with Autism (or Asberger Syndrome, as I think he has)... As for the depression... nah... he not depressed. It's just the ADHD or Autism form. I'm almost certain.
But... since he turned 18 my mom won't push him anymore to go to the doctors. He has to do it on his own. Though... I think I did get it through to him the other day that he needs to be on something. (Not what he was... because he gained SO much weight!)
I don't know... my sister & I are talking about this now. I think it's just going to be that she & I are going to take over. I think my mom has put up with Mike's "stuff" long enough.
OH.... YEAH... I did have a talk with him on Saturday... he knows that I do want to help him & all... & he knows that he needs to do something... but getting him to remember it... well, that's another thing.
It's a day by day thing! We'll see! & I'll keep you all updated!
sounds like you all are doing the best you can, and he seems to be high functioning, but I do agree with everyone else some assisted living help would do him so good, as for the trash yes he needs to get that picked up before it messes with his health (and it is just gross and I'm sure a bit stinky too) as for his classes, to bad that he's blowing them off, welding is a good area to get into but if he really enjoyed them and actually wanted to make something of it he would be getting up and making the effort to get there.. but he does need to learn responsibility and I think holding onto the pillows is a good things and I wouldn't give them back until you get the trash (and yes you are getting the raw end of the deal on that one!)
ReplyDeletebut the assisted living facility would be a good thing for him they could help him get his schedule on track and I believe that they take them back and forth to the grocery store and school and things like that.. I'm sure one of his doctors would know of a good place that would help him.
I think it's high time Gina, Aloys, hubby & ex hubby (Mike's dad) & I all sit down with his Dr to see if we there is such a place for kids his age!
ReplyDeleteIt would be great if he could get help getting him back on track!! & If they can take care of getting him to the store & school.... THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL!!!
My first step-mom worked in a nursing home that took in people of all ages (but this was for severe handicapped people) and I know that the ones who could go out they had transportation for them, to the stores, work, school, and church..
ReplyDeleteYes all of you having a sit down with his Dr. sounds like a very very good idea....doing this could relieve the stress on all of you.
It sounds to me like there's more going on behind the scenes (medically, I mean). Yes, I agree with keeping his pillows (assuming it's not putting his health at risk, but I can't see you doing that). It's normal for a single male to be untidy, but this sounds like something more serious is going on.
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, my house is far from tidy, but it's things like boxes full of paper and old clothes, unsorted mail and shopping bags etc on the table, that kind of thing. The office has computer parts and paper strewn around, etc ... but I draw the line at leaving food to go mouldy if I can help it. I do only do the dishes about once a week (living on my own, I can't see the sense in filling the sink for one or two things), but I do give them a quick rinse before stacking them. I think it's a normal 'living by myself' mentality ;)
ReplyDeleteAs for the 'not wanting to get up' despite interest, this also suggests something medical to me. This was the first and most prominent symptom of my sleep apnoea. Try to get up even after sixteen hours of sleep was like wading through syrup. Is it possible to get him tested for that? If it IS something like that, it can affect a whole lot of areas of his life, and once treated, it can improve so many areas.
ReplyDeletesounds exactly like my house! :o) LOL! :o) .... I tell you... WE'RE TWINS!!! LOL!! :o)
ReplyDeleteOh & add Hubby's junk... & ... well, you get the idea... He's just as bad as I am! ... or is it vice versa??! LOL
ReplyDeletehmmm.... never thought about HIM having sleep apnea... Hubby on the other hand... I have practically NO doubt he has that problem!!
ReplyDeleteSound like you have your hands full!
ReplyDeleteSnores, does he? ;)
ReplyDeleteSeriously though ... despite his age, it's worth looking into. Statistically, it's usually middle-aged men, but I am female and was diagnosed at 24, having had the same symptoms since I was 13 ...