I know what I want for an anniversary gift (rated PG 13)

My mom sent me this in an email! (I rated it PG 13 because of the language... I just couldn't resist sharing.)

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy
who purchased his  lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry 's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my  interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary
and I was looking for a  little something extra for my wife Julie .
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The
effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your  assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL ! Long story short, I bought the device
and brought it home. I  loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing!  I was disappointed. I learned, however, that
if I
pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I  thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock  and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause  muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst  would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out  of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the  batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..

HOLY MOTHER . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up  in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over  and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal  position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire,  testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing  sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my bodyflopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A
three second burst  would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on
the mantel of the  fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
feet or so from where  it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my  bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over
the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know
for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head which I  believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
nuts and I'm offering  a significant reward for their safe return!

PS.. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved
the gift, ...  and now regularly threatens me with it!

Thanks,
Larry